Grief is Love

How do you deal with grief? Rachel Liu shares her experience after losing a loved one.

By Rachel Liu

To anyone who feels alone when dealing with grief. 

I want to share a few unspoken truths with you. 

That grief is an extraordinary gift. 

Yet we shy away from it because grief brings sadness and discomfort. 

Over the last 3 months, I've been processing my raw emotions. 

And I discovered a deeper meaning of what love is. 

Grief is love. 

I did not understand this 3 months ago. 

I felt I was drowning from my emotional tidal waves. 

I remember the call with my mum on a Friday evening. 

She told me our family friend Dorothy just passed away. 

I was in disbelief. 

She was my lifelong friend, piano teacher and role model. 

When I put the phone down my mind and body frozen. 

A minute later, I began weeping like a small child. 

My heart was torn apart. 

Tears were streaming fiercely down my face.

It really hurts. 

I thought letting my emotions out over a weekend was enough. 

That I can get on with my life. 

After all I gave myself space right? 

I couldn’t be more mistaken. 

As days passed I lost my appetite, I was demotivated. 

I cannot focus or work. 

I started to journal about how I felt.

I started to show up doing yoga, mindfulness, and meditation. 

It was partly working; it was a coping strategy. 

I wanted to get rid of my emotional gremlins like it was a disease. 

But I was not coming from the right place to heal; it didn’t work.

As weeks passed, I was deeply lost in the woods.

The inner skies were murky grey with a dense fog. 

I felt more distanced from myself, from others and home. 

I also noticed odd behaviours in an attempt to talk to my parents about grief. 

They would cut me off, change the topic and show little emotion. 

It gave me flashbacks of my childhood where my emotional needs were unmet. 

I wanted warmth and nurture - just like what I received from Dorothy when I was younger.

It made me angry and resentful towards my parents. 

Then I felt ashamed with my low moods and emotional mess. 

I didn’t know how to help myself or get help. 

I didn’t want to be a burden on others. 

Fortunately, I had friends who were proactive and checked-in with me. 

They gave me the safe space to be heard without judgement. 

I opened my heart and shared my fond memories of Dorothy. 

We exchanged untold stories of loved ones who passed away. 

This fostered a deeper connection and respect with each other. 

It was a profound moment.

I saw glimpses of light within me - I can heal.

My curiosity led me to uncover cultural nuances. 

Death was perceived differently in Chinese cultures. 

My British friends advised me that talking about grief will help me process it. 

Who knew in Chinese culture, talking about the death of a loved one is taboo and bad luck? 

I watched ‘The Farewell’ to understand this strange phenomena. 

It revealed the cultural norm to conceal your emotions and the health of loved ones from their elders.

Then to collectively share the burden between family members.

This new way of seeing washed away my anger towards my parents. 

I accepted how different cultures might process grief. 

I understood why my mum and my godmother resisted attending Dorothy's funeral. 

Whereas for me, I wanted to honour Dorothy’s life and to celebrate her in spirit. 

To hear her life story living until the age of 94. 

It was my way of saying farewell to her to give me closure. 

There is no right or wrong way of processing grief. 

And honouring my feelings rather than pushing it away was key. 

It unlocks love.

Dorothy left a legacy. 

You could say she’s an ordinary person. 

She was not defined by job titles, status, or the other boxes we tend to put ourselves in to feel worthy and valued. 

But that is exactly what made her extraordinary. 

She had a kindred spirit that touched many lives. 

Her kindness, warmth and creativity was heartfelt to all her students, parents and local communities.  

She recalls the days when I was so shy that my brother accompanied me during my piano lessons. 

She guided me to find my voice and overcome my shyness through music.

She gave me a channel to express my voice and make my heart sing by playing piano. 

She helped me become the woman I am today. 

The one who inspires and coaches others to discover their gifts, talents and passions to share with the world. 

She reminded me of what really mattered in life.

To live by our values every day.

She is love.

Rachel Liu

Rachel is a lifelong creative who is passionate about the intersection of creativity, learning and culture. She focuses on humanising the future of education to a more inclusive one. Her side project Inclusive Pioneers is to explore how to support others to grow their cultural intelligence. In her quieter moments, she enjoys a more zenful lifestyle. She likes to sip matcha lattes and eat mochi, explore places with her husband, be in nature and make gifts for loved ones like crochet soft toys.

@designerjourneys

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