Are We Mourning Our Old Ways?
We've been observing the time-space reality of where we are locally in London and globally with this pandemic. The shock-waves of this sudden societal collapse and dismantling of our everyday lives with this forced global pause are still rippling out…
By Mary Schnorrenberg
Unchartered territories, strange surreal times, though for me I’m feeling the echoes of something deeply familiar and known through most of my life. Something I thought I'd gotten over, but here it is once more; its mental presence is a complete takeover of all thoughts, consumed around the pain of loss while the physical presence is an energy that seizes your heart, squeezing it so tight until you feel your whole chest constrict, leaving you gasping for air and in streams of tears.
This old friend was Grief.
My first felt experience of it was aged 10 when my mother died of heart disease - propelling my life into the great unknown - then once more in 2012 when my father passed - expected but still hard as I was just starting to actually like him.
The ripple effects of grief have been with me as long as I can remember, after spiralling in and out of it’s clutches for almost 3 decades, I feel it’s truly the one thing I’ve mastered and can recognise from miles away, an unofficial Guru of Grief, if you like.
Grief can manifest itself in many ways, and what we’re all currently going through is showing the same signs.
This is what I’m seeing, hearing and feeling now personally and collectively, locally and globally; though clearly we are yet to name it as the end is still not in sight. And the media and socials are doing a damn good job of promoting a complete climate of fear and spreading fiction, when what we need is facts.
Through counselling back in my youth, I've learned that there are 5 stages of Grief that one must move through; in waves and cycles that are anything but linear and experienced differently by each individual.
Stage 1 - Denial
On an individual level my immediate response was to believe the story was somehow made-up , and I chose to cling to a false, preferable reality. I kept going through the motions of my life; firmly stating "No I'm still working, still teaching, still getting on that bus, you should too man! What you talking about, its just another flu, like Ebola and SARS before, remember those? I haven't been to a doctor in a decade, I’m cool.”
Collectively there were cries of “NO we can still go to the pub and hang about after work. How dare they tell me otherwise?” Until that last Friday when people swarmed the pubs like it was the last supper and drank as if death was at their door.
Stage 2 -Anger
Personally, I was p*ssed off when the studio and gym I teach at closed its doors following government ‘advice', my anger began as “WTF? Why are you being sheep for? How dare you? This is my livelihood! I’m a free thinker!”
Collectively a lot of us were clearly very angry; venting at anyone and everyone who's not now obeying the many rules that were dumped down on us in a matter of days. Misinterpreting acts of what’s essential shopping, exercise and work while everyday citizens are policing social distancing. To direct anger blatantly by lashing out at strangers in parks or on Facebook local groups for perceived injustices is in fact, part of the cycle of grief.
“I mostly sense a real stir crazy restlessness as people don’t know what to do with all this time on their hands.”
Stage 3 - Bargaining
So, I started promising the universe I would pay my taxes on time, and learn to be more punctual and polite if the government just let things stay as is for a few more days/weeks. Let me catch a train to Brighton because it's a sunny spring day, I promise I'll change just let me see and be by the sea, pleeeease!
Collectively, there were a lot of attempts to bargain for more time to live freely as we had done before in exchange for simple things in supermarkets that normally wouldn’t have got a second thought. Toilet roll was given gold status and I heard people in supermarket aisles offering ridiculous compromises and exchanges that are best not repeated.
In the face of a pandemic, we saw our society fight over toilet rolls and bags of dried pasta.
Stage 4 - Depression
This set in for me when I was heading to Brighton to house-hunt and all the coffee shops started to close down after just opening their shutters; they realised it was no longer business-as-usual after Bo-Jo’s serious announcement. This was well and truly the tipping point for me as I went into depression while gagging for my caffeine hit. The day steadily got worse as I realised my laptop was now also in lockdown at PC World, which would affect my future livelihood. Collectively people seem down, though I wouldn't say that the mood is depression...yet. Though those that overly identified with their jobs as who they were as a defining factor are no doubt feeling lost and depressed.
I mostly sense a real stir crazy restlessness as people don’t know what to do with all this time on their hands. I feel depression as a mood has been kept at bay with our outdoor freedom time limited to doing exercise, so more people seem to be taking up exercise, as a respite from being indoors constantly. Which is a good thing!
“Realistically there is no going back to normal as normal was very very far from natural.”
5. Acceptance
Properly accepted this as the new norm after a text from a fellow-free-range-go-your-own-way type friend ; saying that he was staying indoors and limiting his travels to family visits and exercise, and that I should too. Last man standing made me see the light and start to accept this.
On the whole there is an acceptance of the rules and regulations, how we must operate and the rules we must obey. BUT the deeper, higher road perspective of acceptance beyond this 'interim period of disruption' is that we will not be going back to how things were, or back to normal. This level of acceptance is yet to be seen, felt and held. Realistically there is no going back to normal as normal was very very far from natural.
Normal was allowing a massive increase in people to sleep on the streets, normal was poorer folk having to choose between eating and heating, normal was where every aspect of our lives is captured on CCTV except where our food comes from and where our waste goes. Where white is still right and BAME get the short end of the stick constantly.
Where the West creates wars in the Middle East displacing millions and when the East come for refuge in the West we reject them.
Where Branson and his ultra-rich cronies expect to be bailed out while their employees are asked to work for free for 8 weeks.
Where knife-crime is killing so many of our youth needlessly.
Where women are expected to do same amount of work and be paid less than a man.
Where Mother Earth is burning from Australia to Africa to the Amazon and we continue to ignore her screams.
Where dirty, deceitful, old white men are still governing and governed by greed as their GODS.
No thanks.
I don't want that normal reality to return, and if we really honestly start to sit in stillness, deeply listen and explore the emotions and grief that's settling into our hearts and minds right now, we too will come to accept that normal was unnatural and stupidly, chronically out of balance. Allowing the 1% to be soothed, served and satisfied by the 99% of us silly, sedated, and being shadows of our true selves was no normal way to live.
Grief is a natural and necessary process of life; some of us have been through more of it than others. But we’ve all been through various degrees of Grief at one point: loss of pets, jobs, hair, homes, cars, cultures, homelands, distant relatives and parents.
Collectively we can get through this once we accept that the old world of normal is well and truly dead and grieve its loss. Only then can we move forward together, to co-create a new normal that serves more of us in balanced, healthy, maybe even enjoyable ways.
M
ary Schnorrenberg
Mary writes about Mindfulness, Impermanence and Grief - her oldest friend -since the passing of both her parents, she knows very well that the other side of the tunnel of Grief is the light of Love . When not writing she can be found jogging, hoola hooping very badly or making her lush lavender eye pillows.
Would you like to write for us?
We are looking for people to share their stories, practices and passions at justbreatheproject.com. Do you have something to share? It could be a cause you think we should know about, a new way of thinking, a book that helped you through a tough time or perhaps, you have a talent you'd like to share? If you are interested please send a headline and a short intro to submission@justbreatheproject.com
Want more?
Behavioural Change Specialist Shahroo Izadi explains her method to making positive changes stick.