We talk a lot about finding balance, but what happens when that balance gets thrown off kilter? I recently attended a discussion on addiction, and here’s what I learnt.

By Erin O’Connor

Addiction is something that a lot of people experience in our society, but there’s not enough conversation around it. Instead, it’s stigmatised, people who are struggling with addictions are disparaged, and often people turn their backs on an issue that is pervasive in our communities. 

We recently had the opportunity to attend an online discussion with The Oblique Life, where their guest speaker D.S. spoke about his experience with alcohol addiction and how he uses his journey and recovery to coach and mentor others. Here’s what he taught us about addiction;

A common misconception of addiction is that it’s like another illness that you can cure. D.S. highlighted that a lot of addiction, particularly his, can be rooted in self fear and a feeling of emptiness, often tied to your self-esteem. 

“We need to remember that finding wholeness means coming to terms with the shadows as well as the lighter sides of us.”

Yes, an alcoholic can learn to never pick up a drink again, but D.S. explained that once the major addiction is unearthed and dealt with, there are inevitably lots of other underlying issues that need to surface and be worked on. These are more psychological things like obsessive compulsive thinking, or the extreme feeling of fear and uncertainty that need to be worked on daily. There’s no silver bullet solution, but making small steps each day to a healthier and brighter future is where true growth lies.  “You could become dependent on it (alcohol, drugs etc.)  for a sense of self worth instead of learning how to cultivate your own inner happiness”.

Oftentimes, we can fall into the trap of thinking that addiction is something that is only possible for certain people, and that it is predominantly a genetic thing. While there is some truth in that addiction or addictive tendencies can be  transferred from generation to generation, it doesn’t mean that everyone else is exempt from experiencing it. 

Someone who publicly and openly speaks on his experience with addiction is comedian Russell Brand, and he often states that we are all on the scale of addiction; it’s just a case that some of us are able to operate better. 

We need to remember that finding wholeness in life means coming to terms with the shadows as well as the lighter sides of us. It’s not about trying to be wholly virtuous and ignoring the parts of us that might need work - it’s about embracing every part of ourselves and accepting that we are works in progress. 

The recovery process isn’t one that people suffering from addiction should embark upon alone, though. D.S. spoke emotionally about a friend of his who chose to stay with him and hold his hand through the first 5 weeks of his recovery. “He became my family at that moment.” 

Not everyone is going to be as empathetic or the right kind of support for you in your recovery process, but something that D.S. said is “if your [biological] family is toxic, find a family of choice.” Family can be friends, people on similar journeys, anyone. If the relationship is fostered on love, honesty, courage and kindness, you won’t be making the journey alone.

If you know someone who is living with addiction and want to support them in the best way you can, here are some things to consider: 

1. Support from a place of unconditional acceptance and love

Offer your presence, be an active listener. They need to feel a sense of belonging around you, to speak openly and honestly about what they’re going through. 

2. Say ‘we’ instead of ‘you’

When talking, try to avoid saying things like “what are you going to do?”  or “what are your strategies for coping?” etc. Saying ‘you’ can make them feel backed into a corner, and isn’t very helpful language to use as they’re most likely already feeling quite alone in their situation. Instead, try using ‘we’ and say things like “how can we support your journey?” and “how can we bring wholeness back into your life?” etc. 

3. Empathising with others starts with empathising with ourselves

Believe it or not, one of the best things to do to support someone else through their recovery is to do the work on yourself. Why? A lot of people can easily feel superior to addicts, thinking “they have the problem, not me” and ultimately start to ‘other’ them with their mindset. One vital thing that we need to remember is that none of us are perfect - we all have a shadow side to our being, parts of us that we aren’t wholly comfortable with or want to admit. If we can learn to uncover our own shadows and embrace them, we will grow. 

We are all part of the experience that is being human, and a little empathy can go a long way. Let’s be each other’s support, through the good times and the challenging.

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